So like it states this is a paper I had to write for class and I actually like it, and i haven't posted anything in like forever. so i hope I get an A.



What has made me into the person I am.


Have you ever heard the term: “When life hands you lemon, make lemonade.”? Well that is pretty much the story of my life. Although I have yet to make “lemonade”, I feel I am finally on my way. I have had many downfalls in my life that have set me off track. Not only a track others set for me, but a track I set myself on many years ago. Of course as everyone knows, low times come with high times, eventually. I guess the easiest way to explain this would be to tell you about my school years; Elementary, Middle, and High school.

I first need to give you about a few people that influenced my life growing up. These particular others included my parents, teachers and friends. When I was young I was raised with the concept that I could be whatever I wanted to be when I grew up, including a stripper. In my early years of education, I didn’t pay much attention to school. Don’t get me wrong, I was interested in learning; I just had other things on my mind than focusing on what some stranger had to tell me. I had a mother that was at home everyday dying of cancer and still trying to raise a family to the best of her abilities. Between radiation and chemo, it was hard not to hate the world.

To hide her fear of dying, she took my brother and me on several vacations to Disney and Cancun; we even went on a cruise. But that is no way to raise two children under the age of 10. But she did try to raise us to respect ourselves and other, and always put others first. Her major fault in her teaching was not letting her kids be kids. It was our job to talk care of her and make sure she had what she needed. My dad was around, but he was her source of income. But neither of them prepared my brother or me for the reality of the situation; my mother was going to die.

She finally did die the summer between my 3rd and 4th grade years in school. This was hard on my brother, being 10, and me, being about to turn 9, but we made it thru. The worst part was that my brother wanted empathy and there was no one to give him that. Not too many people lose a parent and such a young age, and if they do they don’t remember enough to help. Needless to say, we weren’t much of a family after that. My dad became friends with this woman that eventually became his wife and my brother became the family favorite. I was left in the back, away from everything and everyone, to do as I pleased.

It wasn’t until middle school that I started acting out. It wasn’t and extreme rebellion or anything like that, I just observed my brother and tried to be more like him. I wanted my dad to love me again, because it was like he hadn’t for so long. This is why I joined the football team and was in that stereotype, tomboy. I hated that word; it just proved that people didn’t really know me and that people didn’t want to get to know me.

In high school, I finally started to become my own person. This was in large part due to support I had from the few friends I had made in middle school and some of the teachers I had that encouraged me to be my own person. I also learned why my dad and his wife never seemed to like me as much as my brother. This theory I thought of with my own cognitive complexity and it surprised my entire family. The worst part is that it was true. My dad hated me because I reminded him too much of my mother. For some reason, he just couldn’t deal with that.

It makes sense why I would be like her; she was my idol. I prayed everyday that someday I could be even half the woman that she was. She had a drive like I had never seen; a drive to live. The friends I made in high school let me see that it’s okay to be whoever I wanted to be. The communication between my friends and I, opposed to my family and I, was so open and refreshing. They actually wanted to get to know me and not who my family wanted me to be.

When I finally voiced my opinions to my family, about why they hate me so much, they somewhat agreed and they still do. This is why after I graduated, with honors (a personal goal of mine); they waited about a week before they threw me out. Right now I am learning what it is like to be a person in the “real world” and how hard it is to worry about work, school and maintaining your sanity. I don’t have a lot of feedback from my parents, and I don’t think I really want it. They have had their say in every aspect of my life for almost 19 years and that just made me want to kill myself.

My family influenced me to be like them, and blend in; my teachers and friends to me to be me and live my own life. Where I fit and what I am doing, I don’t entirely know yet, but for right now I am happy. I am going to school, with a man that I love more than I ever knew I could, and finally doing something with my life. I finally don’t need everyone’s approval, just my own. This is a reflection of my life because every stage changed me: elementary, middle and high school. So even though life gave me “lemons”, and I mean a lot of lemons, I’m finally making my own “lemonade”.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~not part of paper~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
as of January 15th, Alex and I are engaged!!

Well joey told me that I have to update my journals and I guess he's right. It has been a while. So here it goes.

Since graduation, June 5th, I have been kicked out of my parents house, on June 11th, and have been living with my "on-again-off-again" boyfriend Alex. I don't mind it so much. I actually love it.

Other than that, I was accepted into I.P.F.W. Where I am a full time student. I am right now taking 4 classes, 2 each day. I am taking Theatre Appreciation, Western World English II, math 153, and Sociology. Everything is going good.

Well what else is there to say? My family hates Alex so they are not happy with me living with him... Oh, I got my tattoo! I'm really excited about that. I have wanted this tattoo for 10 years. It's a memorial tattoo for my mom, who died when I was 9. I love it.

Well school is almost over and I cant help, as I sit in the Guidance department and say good bye to my friends, but look back and remember the good times I have had.

I know that people sit and say "It's only High School." but to me high school was more than just school. It was a way of life. I actually looked forward to waking up every morning, Monday-Friday, and going to school. This was the only life I had outside of work and being at home. I loved every minute of it.

I don't really have too much planned out for my future. I'm going to go to IPFW for secondary education, hoping to transfer to Taylor University after my first year. My friends are going to be going to different schools. There is a very good chance that I may never see any of them again.

Add the fact that the teachers were so great. It was like a second family to me. There have been things that I will remeber forever. Like my Luessenhop reading part of a romance novel out loud without prereading his selection. That was awkward and funny for everone. Then there are the many days in Smith's class when we all would crack on Joey. Even the teachers got in on some of the fun.

I guess all good things must come to an end. That's just how life is. I just hope I'm ready.

I think the next time I will write will be after graduation. I'll tell you all how it goes. Good luck class of 2008!

O.K. this is a journal for all of the people that acutally know me in real life. I understand you want whats best for me, but when it comes to my relationships, I respectfuly ask that you stay out of it. I know that Alex hurt me when he left me, but the constant reminder of that does not help the issue at all. I still love him and I know this. I know him better than most and I trust him. I trust that he wil not hurt me.

If he is starting to think that he may be gay or bi, than so be it. Honestly, it's none of our business. I will probably always love him and I think he knows this. But what you all see is not how he really is. I know he loves me, by his actions and what he says and does when we are alone. He's not going to be himself around everyone because, honestly, he's afraid of getting hurt. He has had too many girls in his past that have hurt him. And I don't blame him for wondering if he's gay or not. But that doesn't change how I feel about him.

I have spent so much time defending us because of how we are. I am exactly like him. I don't let people know the "real me". I'm just too afraid of being hurt again.

True, I did let Alex in and I left myself vonerable, but he didn't just dump me and leave. We are still working things out. We are even talking about getting back together. But it makes it even harder when our "friends" seem to hate him.

So please, stop blaming everything on him. I know you mean well, but this is actually hurting me more than how he has ever treated me.

I did not mean to offend, and if I did I'm sorry. But this needs to stop.

Ok for those of you that have loved and lost, you know what I am talking about. Love is an emotion that you cannot ignore, no matter how hard you try, and believe me I've tryed. I have done everything I can to avoid love, but it is impossable!

Well I should probably give you alittle backround. When I was 8, my mom died. She was the only person that I truly loved most. Don't get me wronge, I liked my dad, but he was never really around. Well when my mom died, I thought I would never love anyone else again... I know lame but what can I say, I was 8. Well after she died I became close to my grandpa (her dad), than He died.

I started to think that I was "cursed" (if you will). So than I was trying to avoid getting close to anyone. But that all changed when I started to volenteer at the retirement home, my other grandpa lived in, in 2001. I soon became really close to my grandpa. But I didn't want to get too close. Once the 9/11 attacks happened, I wanted to tell my grandpa how I really felt. So I told him that I loved him, which is something that I never say. And one week later he died.

After that I refused to fall in love, weather it be family or otherwise. I hated love, and people didn't understand why. It was hard to explain, people don't know what I have been through, they can't make it better. And I hated it when people tryed to change my mind, it was my decision.

Well that changed yet again my freshman to sophmore year. I had met this guy, and I didn't know what attracted me to him. We were together for about 2 weeks, before I ended it. It wasn't until my sophmore year that I realized that I love him. Since he was trying to graduate, we didn't have another relationship that year, but we did remain friends.

I told him the next year, in 2006, that I love him. So far, we have broken up and gotten back together so many times that I have lost count. So I still hate love. Love is an amazing thing, it can make you the happiest person in the world, and at the same time, scare the shit out of you.

So my advice to anyone that is afraid of love, like I was, is don't try to avoide it. Even though it may hurt if something goes wrong, it's
worth it.